DAYEdalera
Monday, August 13, 2007
"i do"
Yesterday, I was talking with somebody regarding the intricacies and legal complications of marriage. It seems last week many friends and others sought my opinion about the matter. I don't know if they think I am competent about the matter (of course theoretically lang) or they still view the same idealistic woman they met long time ago who believes in magic, marriage and ever after.
I realized my perspective on matrimony changed. A decade ago, I thought it was the ultimate event every woman is awaiting to happen. Five years ago, it evolved to being just a formality of satisfying the society's standards of morality in conjugal and family life. Yesterday, I thought it was a complicated "vow" or more of a spell that could complicate your life the way you never imagined. For all i know, seeking annulment or declaration of nullity of marriage is more expensive than getting married.
Marriage is out of my mind and I often answer those who asked: "When are you planning to marry?" with a half meant joke "I am enjoying my life as Single, I don't have to think of doing the laundry, cooking meals for kids, motherly stuffs and a philandering husband.hahahaha."
Today I received an electronic mail from Tita Menchie about a MARRIAGE STORY and I thought it would be nice share it to those who are:
I realized my perspective on matrimony changed. A decade ago, I thought it was the ultimate event every woman is awaiting to happen. Five years ago, it evolved to being just a formality of satisfying the society's standards of morality in conjugal and family life. Yesterday, I thought it was a complicated "vow" or more of a spell that could complicate your life the way you never imagined. For all i know, seeking annulment or declaration of nullity of marriage is more expensive than getting married.
Marriage is out of my mind and I often answer those who asked: "When are you planning to marry?" with a half meant joke "I am enjoying my life as Single, I don't have to think of doing the laundry, cooking meals for kids, motherly stuffs and a philandering husband.hahahaha."
Today I received an electronic mail from Tita Menchie about a MARRIAGE STORY and I thought it would be nice share it to those who are:
married ... not married ... and soon to be married...
*** When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand
and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly.
Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open
my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce
I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me
softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away
the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we
didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out
what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a
satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I
just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which
stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had
spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for
her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I
had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of
me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a
kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several
weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing
something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and
fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did
not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't
want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce.
She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a
life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a
month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked
me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her
out of our bedroom to the front door every morning. I thought she was
going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her
odd request.
I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly
and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to
face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention
was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we
both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in
his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to
the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her
in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about
the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put
her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I
drove alone to the office
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned
on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized
that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she
was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair
was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I
wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of
intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to
me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy
was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to
carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout
made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a
few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed,
all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so
thin, that was the reason why I could
carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in
her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum
out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an
essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and
hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might
change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from
the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand
surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like
our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held
her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I
held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking
the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I
walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not
want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you
have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I
said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she
and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more.
Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day
I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then
slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At
the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife.
The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote,
I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship.
It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank,
blah..blah. These create an environment conducive for happiness but
cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend
and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage.
This should be a wake up call to everyone who is married in this group
especially to those who're feeling the "tremors" of married
life..one that has been reduced to monotony, boredom, petty squabbles,
indifference and perhaps even betrayal.
Don't let the "shake" get into you...avoid struggling against it, instead
"dance through the shake"...find ways to make the love come alive..and
give it a try for yet another time. Believe me it works. But of course,
there are two sides to everything even the heart, and either one is
crucial. Each must have the desire to make it work.
Only until then, can you safely say...I have found commitment sitting
comfortably side by side with love.. and the two of them embedded
deeply inside the heart?where God Himsef chooses to reside. ***
Don't get me wrong, after reading the story, My perspective of marriage is still the same like what I believed yesterday.
Marriage is not a contract which ordinary remedies of rescission or an action for breach of contract or damages would be available. As the Family Code defined it it is a "SPECIAL CONTRACT OF PERMANENT UNION".
Marriage and Happiness is subjective. It requires no formulas. Only the two person binded by Marriage can make it work. I heard myself idealistic again on this statement.
I am unhappy to witness a pending marital break-up between two friends who I happened to witness their beginning from sweet courtship to "I do". But, I can do nothing, for I myself is in absolute belief that marriage does not mean forever.
I am hopeful, my friends can "dance with the shake" and until then that I probably could decide to change my perspective for better.
***
I took break from long readings because I want to share my thought that still, STRONG RELATIONSHIPS (to parents, siblings, friends and lovers) is the best treasure one could ever have in this world. -daye
and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly.
Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open
my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce
I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me
softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away
the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we
didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out
what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a
satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I
just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which
stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had
spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for
her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I
had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of
me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a
kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several
weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing
something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and
fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did
not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't
want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce.
She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a
life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a
month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked
me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her
out of our bedroom to the front door every morning. I thought she was
going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her
odd request.
I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly
and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to
face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention
was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we
both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in
his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to
the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her
in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about
the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put
her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I
drove alone to the office
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned
on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized
that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she
was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair
was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I
wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of
intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to
me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy
was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to
carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout
made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a
few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed,
all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so
thin, that was the reason why I could
carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in
her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum
out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an
essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and
hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might
change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from
the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand
surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like
our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held
her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I
held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking
the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I
walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not
want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you
have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I
said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she
and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more.
Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day
I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then
slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At
the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife.
The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote,
I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship.
It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank,
blah..blah. These create an environment conducive for happiness but
cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend
and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage.
This should be a wake up call to everyone who is married in this group
especially to those who're feeling the "tremors" of married
life..one that has been reduced to monotony, boredom, petty squabbles,
indifference and perhaps even betrayal.
Don't let the "shake" get into you...avoid struggling against it, instead
"dance through the shake"...find ways to make the love come alive..and
give it a try for yet another time. Believe me it works. But of course,
there are two sides to everything even the heart, and either one is
crucial. Each must have the desire to make it work.
Only until then, can you safely say...I have found commitment sitting
comfortably side by side with love.. and the two of them embedded
deeply inside the heart?where God Himsef chooses to reside. ***
Don't get me wrong, after reading the story, My perspective of marriage is still the same like what I believed yesterday.
Marriage is not a contract which ordinary remedies of rescission or an action for breach of contract or damages would be available. As the Family Code defined it it is a "SPECIAL CONTRACT OF PERMANENT UNION".
Marriage and Happiness is subjective. It requires no formulas. Only the two person binded by Marriage can make it work. I heard myself idealistic again on this statement.
I am unhappy to witness a pending marital break-up between two friends who I happened to witness their beginning from sweet courtship to "I do". But, I can do nothing, for I myself is in absolute belief that marriage does not mean forever.
I am hopeful, my friends can "dance with the shake" and until then that I probably could decide to change my perspective for better.
***
I took break from long readings because I want to share my thought that still, STRONG RELATIONSHIPS (to parents, siblings, friends and lovers) is the best treasure one could ever have in this world. -daye
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